The Parade

Govinder's Grocery Store

2008-06-20T20:25:02+02:00

'Hello Boss. You heard about Mr Johnson? He was caught shagging his next door neighbour. At the bus stop. And she's 87. We've all done it.'

Comments

Jamieson Kilpatrick and Co

2008-01-18T21:20:18+01:00

'It was awful. He had to have an enema. Just like that geezer in Iceland'

'Who? Bjorn?'

'No. Old Faithful'

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Govinder's Grocery Store

2006-09-14T20:09:01+02:00

'Hello boss. You know in Australia he was running for Mayor. His campaign was massive. He had an elephant. We've all done it'

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Jamieson Kilpatrick and Co

2006-07-28T22:14:14+02:00

'I've got to attend an ID parade'

'Do you reckon you'll pick him out?'

'I doubt it. It's so unfair. They'll all look the same'.

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Jim's Antiques

2006-01-07T01:14:38+01:00

'I'm looking for something by an impressionist'

'Just like that or nice to see you to see you nice?'

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Jamieson Kilpatrick and Co

2005-11-29T21:02:35+01:00

'You might know him. He works for the police. Peter. The photographer.'

'Forensic?'

'I don't know his second name.'

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Jim's Antiques

2005-11-07T17:44:23+01:00

'Excuse me. Would you like to buy this watch?'

'No sorry. I haven't got the time.'

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Luigi's Pet Shop

2005-10-24T16:49:42+02:00

'Bird flu? Of course the bird flu.....how d'ya think he gotta here in the first place?

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Jim's Antiques

2005-09-11T23:29:32+02:00

'My God! I have never see one of these with my own eyes. It's absolutely priceless. Where did you get it from?'

'I burgled Buckingham Palace last night.'

Comments

Jamieson Kilpatrick and Co

2005-09-01T23:12:38+02:00

'He follows them religiously. Goes every week. He's fanatical about them but it's only football for God's sake. He's even got a box.'

'Wow! Is he really rich then?'

'No. He stands on it. He's only 4'10.'

Comments

Jim's Antiques

2005-08-30T23:23:46+02:00

'Look. See there. All those holes in the wood. It's a classic sign.'

'What? Of woodworm?'

'No. Whoever owned this before was rubbish at darts.'

Comments

Sid's Cafe

2005-08-29T21:18:28+02:00

'I don't understand these microwave meals. Look at these instructions........'PIERCE LID IN SEVERAL PLACES'........Well, I've done it once in the toilet, once upstairs and once outside. Where now?'

Comments

Eric the Barber

2005-08-24T00:35:33+02:00

'Northern girls. I love them. I reckon they get dirtier the further north you go. In fact, my son went out with an Eskimo woman. She was hot.'

Comments

Jamieson Kilpatrick and Co

2005-08-14T01:09:37+02:00

'I went to the Family Records Office on Sunday.'

'Really? Why?'

'To look for my Mum and Dad.'

'And did you find them?'

'No. I left a message with the receptionist that I'd meet them in McDonald's.'

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Govinder's Grocery Store

2005-07-27T20:52:02+02:00

'Hello boss. It's terrible you know. He's started working with Eric. First customer - he cut his ear off! We've all done it.'

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Jim's Antiques

2005-07-19T02:30:41+02:00

'Ah. I know what that is.'

'How?'

'Look there. On the side of the box. It says 'Cigarette Lighter'.'

Comments

Govinder's Grocery Store

2005-07-18T14:24:18+02:00

'Hello Boss. He's at it again you know. He was staying with his mother in law after a night out on the piss. He needed a wee in the middle of the night and got out of bed and pissed in the wardrobe. Then he got in bed with her. We've all done it.'

Comments

Jamieson Kilpatrick and Co

2005-07-13T20:15:07+02:00

''Ere. You know those two who got nicked for stealing batteries and fireworks from Govinder's shop?'

'Yeah. What happened to them?'

'They charged one and let the other one off.'

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Luigi's Pet Shop

2005-07-12T21:28:41+02:00

'Whaddyamean? Of course, we do canaries. We've only got the yellow ones in at the moment.'

Comments

One Stop Shop

2005-07-11T19:42:15+02:00

If you happen to be passing by The Parade why not pop in and leave your own monoblogue?

(use the comments field and I can cut and paste it in)

By the way, Sid's Cafe is open if you're peckish

Comments

Jim's Antiques

2005-07-10T16:41:37+02:00

'Very nice. I can tell you straightaway who's painted that.'

'How?'

'Look there. It's signed Arthur Pritchard.'

Comments

Jamieson Kilpatrick and Co

2005-07-04T21:22:48+02:00

'He was really nervous, bless him. It's our first child and he wanted to be there and help out. He was all fingers and thumbs and couldn't do enough. I asked him to pass me a pad but he couldn't even get that right. 'What? A breast pad?' he said. 'No, silly' I said. 'Oh a sanitary pad?' he said. 'No!' I said. 'A writing pad!''

Comments

Govinder's Grocery Store

2005-07-02T15:00:52+02:00

'Hello Boss. He's in trouble again, you know. He got pissed and was sick all down the back of this woman on the bus. Then he shat his pants. And missed his stop so he had to walk home. We've all done it'

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Jim's Antiques

2005-06-29T01:55:21+02:00

'I can tell you exactly how much this is worth'

'How?'

'Look. There. On the label. It says £7-99'

Comments

Govinder's Grocery Store

2005-06-27T21:41:05+02:00

'He is sore I tell you. Can't hardly walk now you know. He was sat in A and E for ages. He caught his foreskin in his zip when he was in the toilet you know. We've all done it.'

Comments

Eric the Barber

2005-06-25T16:37:49+02:00

'My daughter? She works in the city. She flies about like a blue arsed fly. Never seems to have enough time, always busy. Funny really. Ever since she was a kid she wanted to be a nurse.

She just never had the patience.'

Comments

Sid's Cafe

2005-06-20T23:36:14+02:00

‘Twenty third of April. St George's Day. Do you know I met my missus for the first time on that day? I’ll never forget it....................... Old St George had more success with his dragon’.

Comments

Jamieson Kilpatrick and Co, Solicitors

2005-06-20T00:09:29+02:00

'I was helping my son with his homework last night. All about angles and shapes and things. Pythagoras' theorem, Isosceles triangles, right angled triangles.....',

'What about the Bermuda Triangle?',

'You've lost me there'.

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Jim's Antiques

2005-06-19T02:59:46+02:00

'Well, straightaway I can tell it's 19th Century'

'How?'

' It says 1886 in the corner'.

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Eric the Barber

2005-06-17T22:35:13+02:00

'The doctor said I was suffering from barophobia......a fear of gravity. A fear of gravity! I ask you. Still, I won't let it get me down'.

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